In The House Of Masks and Mirrors

Feh

2007-05-21T12:23:00.000-06:00

I've really gotten out of the habit of writing... period. I've stopped writing on the various RP boards I belong to, I've stopped writing here, and... well, I've just stopped writing period. I've got no inspiration and no motivation for anything. I'm supposed to design a layout for this Star Wars RP, but I just can't get into the mindset for it. I guess I've sunken deeper into this slump I seem to be in. It's a bit like..., no it is depression. I know I should talk to my doctors about it but I don't want to bring up the comments on suicide because then I'd have to honest and tell them that yeah, I've had thoughts, lots of thoughts on suicide. Gods know I've got the means and the privacy to do it pretty much anyway I could think of, but what I don't have is the guts to do it. All I have to is think about how bad the rest of the world has it and it repeatedly dawns on me that my death wouldn't do the world any good and it would only make people around me sad. And if there's one thing this world doesn't need more of it's sadness. I just wish other people, people with tons of money to spare, could seen things my way.

Like that dumb blonde stick bitch Paris Hilton, here she is with unlimited access to nigh unlimited funds and she goes around spending that money on booze, drugs, pornos and gods know what else when she could be donating money to all these great organizations who do great things for AIDS/HIV research and awareness and WHO and all of those other great things that need more attention. See celebs like Bono and Angelina Jolie have got it right; use your fame to helps those who really need the help instead of pursuing your own hedonistic fancies. Uggh.... filthy greedy asshats.

-End Transmission

Break

2007-05-09T17:39:00.000-06:00

Feh, So I guess I kinda forgot to update for awhile. I've been really busy with somethings: school, more school, my gaming addiction >..<, helping to create new Star Wars RP forum, school again, chores, and gods knows what else. Time really got away from me and I guess I got a little depressed recanting the past few years of my life. So I kinda took a siesta and made myself feel better. Watched a bunch of movies from Netflix too.

Well, to take a bit of break, I guess I could go into the whole 'gaming addiction' thing. I love to play PC games. The Sims, Oblivion, Civilization IV, Black and White 2, and pretty much any MMORPG that I don't pay for monthly.*cough*Guild Wars*cough* I enjoy the excitement and at the same time the relaxment that I get from letting go of reality for awhile and just enjoying the pleasure of beating the living hell out of some poor pathetic computer generated.... thing. Hey its for me to do it where it isn't real and doesn't cause a living thing pain, then in the real world with living things, people included, even though half the time I just want to strangle some of these idiots who can't seem to grasp that life doesn't revolve around them and their damn click. I just wish everyone on the planet had a better and firmer grasp on reality and logic; it sure would make the world a better place to live in, for all of us.

Brief

2007-04-29T14:35:00.000-06:00

Not much to say today. I'm a bit busy working on a school project and getting a few other things in order. I hope to post more later about my little story, maybe later tonight or tomorrow afternoon.

Noir

2007-04-27T21:04:00.000-06:00

Last night as I was waiting for Supernatural to come on, I caught the preview for next weeks Smallville and it's Nior theme really inspired me to make this new skin. I'm actually REALLY happy with the way it turned out. It's totally me so that makes it even better. I'm still having an internal debate out whether or not to submit it to blogskins.com, which is where I get most of my inspiration for making skins. I'll figure it out eventually.

Anyway, back to my little tale.

Just before I got my migraine, I had started 8th grade. School had been for close to two months and during that time I'd been elected into office as class president, selected to be the Junior Varsity Volleyball team Captain, and I'd been asked to be a Teachers Assistant for my Algebra teacher. Everything was going incredibly well and i was literally on Cloud 9 and flying high. Boyfriend-wise I was also all set with my long-time crush and best friend; we'd been going out all summer and thing were really going great between us. Then, disaster struck and struck with a mighty vengeance that knocked me flat faster than 0 to 60 in .01 seconds.

At first, the doctor and my parents thought it was just stress or I'd gotten nailed with West Nile. No such luck, and after massive doses of Vicodine and some other hefty pain medications, things still weren't better and I had stopped going to school. I was in tears for weeks, from pain and grief, as my perfectly balanced life crumbled around me, shattering everything into a million little pieces. I attempted to return to school, but I barely made it through two periods before I had to call my mom to come and pick me up. It was awful.

Shortly after, I was turned over to a neurologist who instead of trying to really find out what was wrong with me, medicated me to shut me up. Time blurred together like cake batter in a MixMaster. I attempted to stay in touch with my friends, but I quickly learned that many who I had considered to be my closest, had started many vicious rumors that tore me down even further. Only my boyfriend and the girl who was my best friend stood with me. They helped me through so much and even today, though the girl and I have drifted apart and rarely speak or communicate and my boyfriend (whose now just my best friend again) are two of the few things that got me through my roughest patches.

More tomorrow, my hands are a bit tired and my eyes are kinda dry from staring at the screen working on the skin.

A Brief Burst

2007-04-26T19:39:00.000-06:00

Made a skin today. I'm not too fond of it so I expect I'll be making a new later tomorrow after school. I'm so finicky sometimes.......

Lazy Me

2007-04-26T09:57:00.000-06:00

Ok. I know that I said I would post more on myself yesterday, but I just got distracted and I didn't remember about posting, let alone my blog. -snort- Who am I kidding; I was well aware of that I needed to post yesterday but I just got lazy and didn't feel like clicking the favorites icon and then the Blogger link. Yep, I'm extremely lazy when it comes to blogs. That's why my other blogs have failed, but I really don't want this one to, so I'll try better when it comes to these sorts of things.

Alright, back to where I left off; my migraine. Even with all the medication they have me on I still have a constant migraine headache, but at least the meds tone it down enough for me to function ...sort of. I'm pretty much confined to the quietest and darkest part of the house with my computer. I attend an online high school because I can't go to normal school anymore without dropping to my knees in pain from all of the loud noises and florescent lights that set me off worse than a match in a dry forest. I'm limited in the things I can and are willing to go out and do. It's become almost second nature to me to avoid anything that I think might set me off or agitate my headache.

I put on a brave face and everyone who knows about my headaches thinks that I'm learning to cope with pain and that I'm getting better, but this really isn't the case. I put on that face so the others around me don't feel burdened and don't need to show concern for me anymore. I want everyone else to live great lives for themselves and not have to feel held down or anything by me. What hurts more though is when I think about all the great things that were happening before I got the migraines.

-Nuff for today. I'll continue tomorrow.

Starters

2007-04-24T17:08:00.000-06:00

Here lately, I haven't really been all together upstairs and I hoped, by starting a blog/journal, that maybe I could start sorting things out and maybe get a handle on my life again. I've started blog before but I always seem to lose interest or forget about them after two or three posts. Hopefully this time I'll stick with it by not really using it as a place to just complain and rather a place to put all the extra thoughts and story bits and scraps of poetry and ideas and whatever else is squirming around up there. I've just got to get some of this stuff out of my head. Maybe I'll even start putting some of my armature photography on here, maybe being the key word. I just hope I can get past all my typical angst-y teen mood swings and predictable bitterness and sarcasm and start to unclutter my thoughts by actually -gasp- putting the truth down and not my half-cooked version of fantasy that I like to hide behind. I guess I've always been this way though; all made up of mirrors and masks, distorting the truth about myself, others, and everything around me just to make myself feel better about not only myself but everything around me. I'm not really sure why I do it though. I've had a pretty great childhood, forgetting of course, my fairly recent (started in '03) development of a constant migraine that never goes away or changes intensity without the help of seriously potent medication.

Well, I think that's enough for the moment. Tomorrow I'll go into more detail about ... stuff I guess.